The 40 Fiats of Chairman Boz – T.Boswell

wrigleyfieldWhat would you do if you were appointed the commissioner of baseball for a year?

“Chairman Boz” – aka Thomas Boswell, sports columnist for the Washington Post and author of The Heart of the Order – tells us in a section of his book titled “The 40 Fiats of Chairman Boz.”

Here are a few of my favorites:

1. The home plate umpire shall have a button. If a batter takes more than thirty seconds to adjust his uniform, tighten his batting glove, wiggle his toe, call for time and otherwise delay the game, the ump shall push the button. The button will open  a trapdoor to a pit, full of reptiles, under the batter’s box. This shall be known as the Rickey Henderson Hole, in honor of the potential Hall of Famer whose career was tragically cut short. Carlton Fisk and Cliff Johnson: consider yourselves warned. The trapdoor will also work for home run trots, but with bigger reptiles. Jeffrey Leonard gets a free trial (pp.38-39).

8. Only nicknames shall be allowed on the back of uniforms hereafter. Instead of Jim Dwyer: Pigpen. Floyd Rayford; Sugar Bear. Give us Chicken Man and Oil Can. Who knows ‘Davis’? But Chili, Storm and Eric the Red are easy. This would have been especially helpful in the old days. We could have known the difference between ‘Puddin Head’ and ‘Available’ Jones or ‘the People’s Cherce” and ‘Mysterious’ Walker. Pittsburgh’s low-budget GM Sid Thrift’s name shall legally be changed to Sid Cheap (p.40).

And, in honor of the Chicago Cubs, this one – to which I strongly object!:

18. Let there be lights for Wrigley Field, for crying out loud – and not just for eight games a year. What’s all the fuss? Be honest. Who doesn’t like night games better than day games [Not I?!]? Man, it gets hot in July. If you can get a weekday afternoon free, go swimming, play golf or have a stroke in your garden. Don’t sweat your brains out in the bleachers. …Sensible teams long ago went to Saturday night games because people prefer them. Baseball is night baseball and has been for decades. Let those who refuse to learn from the Chicago Cubs be condemned to repeat them.

The only people who really want day ball in Wrigley Field are sportswriters (great deadlines – the Chicago scribes get home for dinner and the visiting laureates have more time on Rush Street).

All weekday World Series games shall be at night. All weekend World Series games shall be in the day [Now we’re getting sensible!]. It’s cold in October. Play a couple in sunshine, but don’t get carried away (p.42).

And that’s the “Friday Fun” for July 31, 2015! Have any fiats of your own, future baseball commissioners?